The confusion is killing me from the inside out . . .

So much chaos going on. My head is spinning faster and faster. It' hard for me to think. All these question I'm being asked are filling up my head and I feel like I'm drowning. All I want is to be saved but I don't see many superhero's around. You're asking me all this stuff but I don't have the answer. There is no answer. I just wish you could understand that. I'm still drowning, and acting on impulse isn't working out so well. Walking on the street in darkness is making me feel lonelier than ever. As I reflect on this night I remember one good thing. I remember a boy, he was nice and kind I tried to be a little close to him but it wasn't working so well, seeing as another boy was in the way. I will try again to be close to my new found friend whom is pretty cute. But as I walk on this dark road the cold is making itself home on my body. I found my hero. He came to save me. I do like this boy but I'm not to sure if he's for me. The boy I really want isn't making much effort, but some. The one I kinda like is liking me more and more. I dunno how much I'm leading him on but it's not nearly as much as I'm trying to lead the first boy on. But then theres that other boy whom is still in the way. slowly but surely I loosing him, I'm sad about this but it's not overly bothering me. Now that my hero picked me up, he's taking me to my home. I hate my home, but it's better than where I was. As I thank him, my brain is spinning. I feel like dying. How do I get the one I really want? If he doesn't work out than I've the other I sorta like. But he's not quite as good. And maybe none of it will work out. Maybe the problem one will get in the way to much more. As I walk in the door I feel upset I didn't do more with my night. But then I remember how I did the right thing by one of my acts of impulse. Leaving the boy in the way was perfect. How could I be so inconsiderate of him though? I guess it doesn't matter because I don't actually care about him. I used to though. He used to be the only thing I cared about. Now I just care about using to find some new loves. He's messing with my head, and getting me all emotional. Care turn to love, love into lust, lust into hate, hate into . . . The End . . .

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. . .

That first feeling when you close your eyes, the feeling of extreme relaxation. Then you do not know which way is up, which way is down, left, or right. Then your mind starts wonder. It reflects on your day, the things you said, the feelings you felt, and the pain/happiness that occurred. But out of all the wondering your brain is doing, it's constantly thinking about one person in particular. That person you want to tell your secrets to, your adventures to, your feelings to. Your body then wakes up, and you can't fall asleep anymore because all you want at the that moment is to talk to that person. Deep down inside you just want to tell them how much you need them, want them, love them. But your not brave enough to say these feelings to the person so you keep it to yourself, and close your eyes, and try to fall asleep all over again.

Its never bad enough to just leave or give up but it's never good enough to feel right...

Why would I let you go even when you told you didn't wanna loose me. You were my life for almost a year. We laughed together, cried together, and spent endless hours together. Why am I giving up. Is there just nothing left inside me. I can't believe I'm giving you up even though you once made me so happy. Your all I think about. You've told me the sweetest things I ever heard, never have I ever been closer to another person. You were my best friend, and also my boyfriend. But of course I ruined both of those. I didn't feel like I wanted you anymore, I feel now like I need you.. But I don't know how to just be your friend. In a way we skipped that part. Its never bad enough to just leave or give up but it's never good enough to feel right. I'm so in love with you, but I hate you more than anything. Your not what I want in a guy, so why can't I just say goodbye. Is it because maybe I actually was in love with you? What ever happens I don't want to end up saying I wish I would have done that differently. I'm sorry for the things I've said/done. But sometimes it just feels necessary to get my point across. I miss you, and I just wish you'd tell me how you truly felt.

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

I want you. But we can't be together. To many other hearts would be broken. You seem to be the only one that truly cares how I'm feeling throughout the day. You're the only one to remember my important dates and wish me luck on them. You're the sweetest guy I've ever met, you're the nicest, smartest, most caring, most respectful.. And just the most of everything I've ever wanted. You seem to have so much going for yourself, except the woman portion. Why can't you see that I want to be with you, that I'm almost in love with you.. That you are everything I've ever wanted in a man. Is it me? Am I not what you want. By the way you talk it sounds like we both want the same things out of life, you sound like you like me. But why do you not act upon it. Maybe someday you'll see that I've always wanted you. But for now I don't know how to show you. Perhaps it's not meant to be, but perhaps it is meant to be. No one could ever know for sure. What I do know is that I think you are amazing, and I could only hope that one day you would open your eyes and see me in the same way I see you. Wake up soon friend, I'll be waiting. But I can't wait forever. Forever is to long to be without love. Love makes the world go 'round. For as long as the world is turning I'll be searching for my true love, right now I think it may be you, but I am not sure you have starting looking yet. Once you do, remember I'm here, a little bit lonely, and looking for someone to enjoy the world with me, and embrace the short years we have left in this wonderland.

No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won't make you cry.

As I'm sitting here, I glance over at you sleeping on the couch. You look so innocent. But I know the truth. I know what you've done. The sins you've committed, the lies you've told because of it. The violent outbursts you have. I know the hurtful things you've said, I know all the times you've denied it all. You brought the word untrustworthy to yourself. You blame the world for you problems. You blame it on the people who've cared for you. You blame it on the people who raised you. Why do you yell t me. Why do you tell me you love when you know you never wanted me in the first place. Why do you tell me you love me when you once told you were tired of parenting me. Why do you tell me I have nothing to be sad about. Have you not realized the things you've done to me. The humiliation I've gone through because of you. Tears I've cried because of you. No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won't make you cry. There is one small sentence that came out of your mouth that I will never forget. You said it a few years ago.. But I still can hear it in my head, and I can still see us sitting there and you saying it to me. 'I'm just tired of parenting you'. I feel you have gone through a life well wasted. Thank you for telling me you aren't happy here, with us, and thank you for telling me you don't like your life. All that says to me is I'm not happy with you/ I don't want you anymore.

I love you Daddy.

We need not think alike to love alike

I hate how we have are differences, but we are two very different people brought together by love, laughing, and happiness. It's hard for me to understand you because I am more peaceful than you. You said you make smarter decisions with me, and I make you better, but have you thought maybe I'm just holding you back. Does it not concern you that I might just be in the way. I've never cared for someone none blood related so much in my whole life. You think I don't care, but really I just want to save you, I want to be the one you trust, whom you tell all your secrets too, whom you confide in. I care. The last little while has been impossible, with my hopeless view on life, and you changing yourself to the point of me no longer recognizing you. Why have you changed, why haven't I been able to help you make better decisions over the last little while. How come I couldn't save you this time. Am I no longer worth your time. Do I mean nothing to you now. But no matter what I will always love. I have left so much of myself with you, how we can just call it quits, how can I have just stopped talking to you. You once said you need me. Am I no longer needed? You once said you'd do anything to make me happy. Now that we hardly talk have you just decided my happiness isn't necessary. Why don't you want to be the one person I can count on. Life is to short to live without you. I still love you more than anyone even though we are not similar in any way.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get...

I never thought someone like you would come into my life. I never wanted to meet you, and I never asked to meet you. It just kinda happened. Never did I think that we would have become so close, and done so much together. On that first day when I met you, you were just another boy I wasn't interested in getting to know. Then once we became friends, and friends became lovers, I felt so close to you, like you meant more to me than the world. I started craving you, I wanted to be with you all the time, I just wanted to see you, and be in your presents. We didn't even need to be talk, I was happy just in sit on the couch with you. For some reason I was unhappy with you, perhaps it was the things that we had done, the things I gave up for you, or maybe just the fact that you weren't right for me. After I broke up with you, I wanted you back so bad, but I knew it would never happen because I just wasn't happy with you. I couldn't stop remember the bad times. Now that we aren't very close anymore, i would give up so much just to have our relationship back, but I know I messed it up. I just wanna see you, I just want you to want me again, I want you to love me again, I want you. What would happen if the chocolate I picked that day wasn't one with you inside.. Would I be somewheres else, not writing about you? Would I be with another boy.. Or would I be wishing I had met someone like you.